blogger mom

For a few years now I have been dealing with an immense amount of fear regarding my children.  More specifically, fear that my oldest is growing up too quickly...that they all are growing up too quickly.  I'm scared.  I'm scared they'll hurt themselves or someone else...that the choices they make as teenagers will damage their minds and bodies.  You see, when your toddler gets hurt it usually involves a band-aid on a scraped knee, stitches on the chin, or maybe even a cast on the arm.  These things are hard to watch and hurt a mama's heart, but it's not these wounds that I fear.  I fear substance abuse.  I fear sexual decisions, or worse yet sexual acts that are forced upon them.  I fear them driving these country roads...late at night...with friends in their car...and the music too loud...and alcohol.  This fear, if I allow it, can consume me.

Today is has consumed me.  The events in Connecticut broke my heart.  My children are learning new lock down drills at school and they know why.  But then I started reading about the events in Stubenville, OH and it wrecked my world.  Fear has captured me today.  My boys would never be capable of anything like this, right?  Of course not, not when their minds are clear.  They would never hurt anyone intentionally.  They are sweet, sweet boys with tender hearts.  But what happens in high school when hormones, drugs, and alcohol enter the mix, then what are we capable of doing to another human being?  What happens when they choose the wrong friends?  And then there's my baby girl...my stomach is sick just thinking about it...about her...about this girl in Stubenville.  I feel like I could vomit.    This precious two year old is sitting on my lap right now as I type, and I honestly feel like I would kill someone who ever violated her in this way...in any way.

I know that fear is never from God.  I guess I'm typing this all out as my confession of sorts.  Maybe once it's all written out I can confess my fear and use this energy to pray and fast for my children instead.  Praying and fasting for their pre-teen and teen years, for the friends they choose, for the relationships they enter into with the opposite sex, for their spouses.  I want to confess, repent, and move forward.  I want to view the next stage with Riley, and then with the other children, with joy and anticipation...knowing that God can do a good work in them at any age.  Lord...I need you.  I can not do this on my own.  period.  end of story.  I am weak and you have given me a huge responsibility.  Lord guide Eric and I as the nurturers of their young faith.  We need you.