blogger mom

Yesterday was difficult. I'm weak and tired. I sat in the bathroom on the floor and talked with my grandma on the phone while the boys were in the bathtub last night. We were talking about all of this and she asked me to tell her what I had done on Saturday. I started explaining my day to her and it became obvious to us both why I was so exhausted sitting on the bathroom floor at 6pm. I put the kids to bed early and by the grace of God they gave me no problems at bedtime. I came to the basement to get some work done and after sending one email I knew I wasn't going to be able to accomplish anything. On my way to bed I passed the book shelf and I saw "Gift From the Sea" out of the corner of my eye. I've read this book once before, when I was newly married. Although I enjoyed it then, I knew that there would be a time in my life when it would be more relevant. I took it with me upstairs and began reading. The calm and peace that filled my room was beautiful. All the thoughts and feelings that I've had lately were validated. I had found someone who understood and put into words all that I had been wrestling with in my mind and heart. I had also found someone who gave me permission to just stop it all, to give up, to stop moving at such a fast pace. I was being encouraged to simplify, to retreat, to rest.
So, today I am still tired. My body is still weak. But my spirit feels renewed a little. The next few months will continue to be exhausting, there is simply no way around that fact. The end of a pregnancy, a delivery, and a recovery. Then it will be time to adjust to life with a preschooler, toddler, and newborn. Because of all this I've decided to just quit the chaos for awhile. I've started today. Eric closed last night and opened today. He has some meetings today after work that are important to both of us and I want him to feel free to be present with others rather than worrying about me because I'm depressed at home. So, I'm not going to the grocery store and unloading groceried by myself. It can wait until another day. Trey and I just played his new Thomas the Train board game while Riley's at school. It sounded a lot more relaxing than cleaning or grocery shopping. My kids will get fed, bathed, and read to. Not much else really matters right now. When Eric is home today I should have energy left to enjoy being with him, and he should be able to leave again from a peaceful home. That's the new game plan.
Ultrasound tomorrow at 9...